So, I have this "thing." When I put my mind to doing something, I want to do it WELL. Am I a perfectionist? Maybe. An over-achiever? Probably. Full of pride? Definitely.
When this whole cancer thing happened, right on the tails of some other big, challengy things, my first thought was "I want to ROCK cancer." I desperately wanted to be good at it...to show the world how cancer should be done. Though I am an introvert, I actually wanted to be the Breast Cancer Poster Child.
Well, here's the thing. God had other plans. He is in the business of sanctification. This means He is constantly seeking to free me from the sin that so easily entangles. (Hebrews 12:1) Pride is a very tangly sin. It is easily excusable by the world's standards. (We SHOULD want to be good at all we do, right? Isn't that a good thing?)
I was left, in the stillness of recovery nights, asking myself, "Christie: WHY is it so important to you that you rock cancer?" There were many answers, believe me. I think the one shining in neon was: "I want to rock cancer so that people can see how STRONG I am." Now, if you know me, you know that I really DO want to glorify God. I love bringing Him glory, I really do. But in this cancer thing, I wanted some glory, too. True to His character, God had different plans than I. He threw in this side order of blood clots and a dollop of drain-issues as a tool to humble me, again, into dependence on Him.
I love that God is committed to sanctifying His people. I love being reminded that He is God and I am me. If you notice me vying for the Poster Child status, feel free to do that little cough-cough-pride-cough-cough thing. I'll get the hint. Hopefully.
2 comments:
If cough-cough-pride-cough-cough means "I notice you vying for the spotlight," what does "gulp-sputter-sputter, spit" mean?
It means, "Wow, you've got such a handle on it, there's no more I can say!!!!"
Love this poignant post. God never tires.
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